What Am I Waiting For?

I’ve been hit with several related messages lately, and they all point to the same question: What am I waiting for?

In January, I wrote that my word for 2013 was going to be freedom. Freedom from many things, but they basically all boiled down to freedom from fear. Looking back at the last five months, I haven’t done well with following through on that. I did take one giant leap, but I didn’t really have any choice about the timing of that one.

As easy as it would be to beat myself up over what could easily be perceived as failure, I think I’ve spent enough time beating myself up over the years, so what I really need to do is figure out what to do to change things. Still working on that one, honestly, because it involves changing my thoughts and things that come from deep inside me, so not an overnight job.

In the midst of a recent discussion, a friend commented that she “admired my drive”. I replied that she “must have me confused with… pretty much anyone else. If I had any drive, I would actually accomplish something”. It wasn’t false modesty. I really feel as if I’m constantly spinning my wheels while going nowhere. I don’t mean day-to-day tasks, and those huge to-do lists that any mom can whip up in minutes. I mean life in general.

When I relayed this part of the conversation as part of yet another conversation on a similar subject in a different group (I told you it’s everywhere recently.), a different friend commented that I edit books, blog, homeschool, and that’s just the stuff she knows about as an online friend. And she’s right. Oh, it’s not the “doing” of those things that’s important. It’s that last summer I decided to try something new, something that had never crossed my mind – editing and proofreading books. I will admit that I started on Fiverr, so if I ended up being horrible at it, I could just refund the money, close the Fiverr account, and no one would be the wiser. I was pleased to find that I’m actually good at it, and I’ve had several repeat clients on Fiverr, and off of it.

The blogging is merely an act of stubborn persistance on my part. I need to write, and as my love language is Words of Encouragement, I get all warm and fuzzy inside when I get a comment or a “like” on something I wrote. It can be pretty scary sometimes putting some things out into the world for everyone to see (like this post, for example), but I try to just post it and move on. But no matter the motivation, aside from a few bumps here and there, I’ve been blogging regulary for more than two years now. I’ve been blogging much longer than that, but it was sporadic until April 2011, when I decided I was going to post something every day for a year. I made it until December, when I had some major life issues, but still, after posting daily for seven months, once a week or so isn’t that difficult.

And the homeschooling. Well. That’s just part of our life. I don’t see how sending my son to public school would take any stress off of me or take any less time. Having to deal with homework, meltdowns, IEPs…Public school works for some people. I think I’ll stick to homeschooling for now. It’s not perfect, and we’re not perfect, but it’s what we do.

So what does all that rambling have to do with anything? It makes my point(s), actually:

  • That if I’m brave enough to make the leap and try something new, I can probably be successful. If not, I’ve learned something and I can adjust and move on.
  • Persistance is key. Life will happen, but the trick is to just keep going.
  • Life is about choices. You decide which one works for you in this place and time. You can always reevaluate later, and make changes if necessary, but regrets change nothing.

I’m currently at another crossroad: I’m trying to decide whether to continue my Pampered Chef business, which I have been working sporadically for almost 11 years. I’m also looking at starting a virtual assistant service and/or freelance writing. All three of those things involve moving past my fear.

What’s frustrating is that perfectionism is at the core of my fear (this part of it, anyway). I feel as if I need to know everything there is to know about a subject before I do anything. Seriously. In Georgia, we have a statewide library system. I have been known to read every single book in the library system on a subject, and only stop when I ran out of books, or when all the books started repeating the same information. And I’ve done that more than once.

I don’t know everything about anything, but I know a lot about several topics, and I never seem to remember that everyone else has their own specialties, so many people don’t know as much as I do about my pet subjects. Things I’ve either researched or lived, or both. It’s never enough. I’m never enough.

Except — I am. And it’s time I remembered that.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7